It Is in Conflict You Build Intimacy

There's this TikTok video I keep coming back to where this guy breaks down why couples split up. His argument? It's rarely about the final blow-up. It's almost always about that first major conflict; the one where the pattern gets set. How you handled it, whether you handled it at all, and what that revealed about both of you. That's the relationship blueprint, whether you realize it or not.

Now, full transparency: I've never been in a romantic relationship, so I can admit my limitations there. But here's what I do know: this principle doesn't live in romance alone. It extends to every relationship that matters. Friendships, family dynamics, professional partnerships. All of it.

I've ended friendships with people who couldn't grasp that it's about the principle for me. That it's in the small decisions, the minor actions, where I'm reading you. Not to be petty, but because those moments are data points. They reveal your behavior patterns, your value system, your reliability when the stakes aren't high yet. And if I can't trust you with the small stuff, I'm not banking on you showing up when everything's on the line. I'm not going to get into the details of those situations, but what I will say is this: from experience, I concur with that TikTok guy. The first conflict is everything.

The Pattern of Avoidance

There's this predictable pattern I see play out over and over. Someone has a grievance. They don't speak up. Why? Fear of not being heard. Fear of disrupting the peace they've worked so hard to maintain. Fear of starting another argument when things have finally calmed down. Sometimes it's deeper than that—it's the fear of having your feelings dismissed, minimized, or worse, used against you later.

So they stay quiet. They swallow it. They convince themselves it's not that serious.

Until it is.

Then one day, something minor happens — something that on its own wouldn't even register — and suddenly there's an explosion. Disproportionate outrage over what seems like nothing. But it was never about that one thing. It was about the accumulation. The pattern of not being seen, not mattering, not feeling loved or valued in the ways they needed. It was about every time they chose silence over honesty, every time they prioritized keeping the peace over keeping it real.

Running Toward the Fire

Here's what I've learned: when conflict happens, it's something you should run toward, not away from. Not to fight, not to win, but to understand. To get curious.

Conflict is revelation. It shows you what matters to each person in the relationship. It exposes the tender spots, the non-negotiables, the places where you're most vulnerable.

And if you're willing to be curious enough to figure out why those things matter — not just what they are, but why they trigger such strong reactions — that's where intimacy lives. That's where you bond.

You figure out how you trigger one another. You start to understand the history behind the reaction, the wound beneath the anger, the fear driving the defensiveness. And from that understanding, you can learn how to best support each other. How to communicate in ways that land. How to avoid stepping on the same landmine repeatedly because now you actually see it.

This isn't about walking on eggshells. It's about building a shared language of care.

The Complication

Now, I'll admit; it gets more complicated when the conflict stems from fundamental morals and values. When it's not about communication styles or unmet needs but about core beliefs neither person is willing to compromise on. That's a different terrain.

That's where you have to get radically honest with yourself.

Are you willing to be in a relationship where you're constantly compromising yourself? Where parts of who you are get filed down to fit someone else's worldview? Or are you willing to be with someone who does that for you — and then holds it over your head? Someone who guilt trips you about the "sacrifices" they've made just to be with you, turning their choice into your debt?

Because here's the thing: compatibility isn't just about attraction or shared interests or making each other laugh. It's about whether your fundamental values can coexist without one of you having to shrink, contort, or betray yourself to make it work.

And sometimes, the most loving thing you can do—for yourself and for them—is acknowledge that they're not your person. Not because either of you is wrong, but because you're building toward different things. Because the life they want requires you to compromise the life you need.

That first conflict will tell you everything you need to know. The question is whether you're paying attention.

As always, stay tricky, be open-minded and get curious.

Happy Valentines btw ;)

Until next time,

Tricky Sol