Cumming at the Same Damn Time

I was watching Shan Boody's interview with Cree Summer on YouTube when something clicked. At 55, Cree is having the most experimental, mind-blowing sex of her life because she finally understands that safety isn't just emotional. It's about having a partner who approaches life's challenges with confidence instead of panic.

Cree defined safety as "we both have been through enough, experienced enough to know that we're going to be okay" without having to "go through the ritual of panic." She also said if a man can't provide a sense of safety, then "he's not fuckable," which made me chuckle because there's truth to it.

Science backs this up. Research shows that couples who underwent training in nervous system regulation had significantly lower levels of stress and conflict. Your nervous system literally needs to feel safe before your body can surrender to pleasure.

It's Not About the Moves

When you're feeling threatened, your nervous system signals you to protect yourself. Once you move into self-protection, you move out of connection. Think about trying to get off when you're stressed or emotionally disconnected from your partner.

Nearly impossible, right?

Your nervous system is saying "we got bigger problems than an orgasm right now."

Cree traced this back to her father, known as the Iron Buffalo, who had a "delighted" mindset when facing challenges because he would always figure out solutions. His presence made her feel safe, like "they're not fucked" no matter what happened.

The Real Work Starts With You

Before syncing with someone else, you need to sync with yourself. Most of us are walking around disconnected from our own bodies and emotions.

Attachment research reveals that secure attachment from consistent early caregiving creates adults who are self-confident, trusting, and able to navigate intimacy healthily. Inconsistent caregiving often leads to insecure attachment, which means difficulty understanding emotions and building stable relationships.

What changed everything for me was treating my relationship with myself as the most important one. I started checking in with my emotions daily, practicing presence in my body, and getting real about what I needed to feel safe and turned on. The goal is becoming so secure in yourself that you're not desperate for completion because you're already whole.

That "Emotional Shelter" Thing Is Everything

Emotional shelter means your partner is your safe space. When life gets crazy, they're not adding to the stress or making you manage their emotions on top of your own. They're your calm in the storm.

Research shows that individuals uncomfortable with closeness have lower odds of intimate relationships. If you don't feel safe being vulnerable, how can you let go enough for your body to sync with someone else's?

When you feel that safe with someone, your body remembers. It stops bracing for impact and starts melting into pleasure. That's when synchronicity becomes possible.

The Plot Twist: Stop Trying So Hard

The more you chase simultaneous orgasms, the more they slip away. Focus too hard on the goal and you'll feel like a failure when it doesn't happen.

That statistic claiming 89% of couples orgasm simultaneously? It's misleading, skewed toward heterosexual penetrative sex. Reality is more complex. For people with dicks together, timing dynamics shift completely. For people with vaginas, when both understand clitoral anatomy without rushing toward penetration, synchronized pleasure becomes more accessible. Women in same-sex relationships actually report higher satisfaction rates overall.

Most research has centered one narrow type of sex while ignoring the full spectrum of human pleasure. Simultaneous orgasms aren't limited to specific configurations because they're about connection, safety, and presence.

The Loneliness Trap and Getting Selective

Cree got honest about her past choices: "I don't think I've clearly chosen a partner that's compatible for me – yet with all I know I'm too smart to have chosen what I've chosen." She furthered saying "loneliness being the greatest culprit."

The key is getting selective. Not caring about being chosen if that person isn't going to benefit your life. Being intentional about what you want and having patience to wait for it.

Most importantly: learn to approach challenges with that "Iron Buffalo" energy. When life gets crazy, be the person who figures out solutions instead of spreading panic. Be someone who makes your partner feel like "we're going to be okay" no matter what.

The Real Tea

Cumming at the same damn time is amazing when it happens, but synchrony during sex is important because it facilitates attunement, helping us relax and relish the emotional components of the sexual experience. It's not the goal. It's the byproduct of deep connection.

When you have that foundation (that emotional shelter, that deep knowing of yourself and your partner(s)), your bodies naturally want to sync. The Iron Buffalo energy that creates safety isn't gendered. The nervous system co-regulation that leads to sync happens between any two humans who feel truly safe together.

When you have that foundation, cumming at the same damn time stops being this elusive thing you're chasing. It becomes something that happens naturally when two people who truly love and trust each other decide to get lost in each other completely.

And honestly……………that's so much better than any technique or trick you could ever learn.

As always, stay tricky, be open-minded, and get curious.

Until next time,

Tricky Sol